In relationships, especially those involving empaths, a delicate balance exists between compassion and personal boundaries. Unfortunately, that balance is often broken by individuals with narcissistic tendencies, leaving empaths trapped in unhealthy dynamics that strip away their energy and self-esteem. One key factor that deepens these harmful connections is spiritual bypassing—a tendency for empaths to avoid setting boundaries in the name of being “spiritual” or compassionate. But at what cost?
What is a Narcissist?
According to the DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders), Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a mental condition characterized by the following traits:
- A grandiose sense of self-importance
- A need for excessive admiration
- A lack of empathy for others
- A sense of entitlement
- Enviousness of others or the belief that others are envious of them
- A preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, or beauty
These traits often lead to manipulative behaviors, including Gaslighting, which we will cover later. Narcissists thrive on admiration and control, seeking out people—often empaths—who will provide them with the validation they need.
For more about the characteristics of NPD, you can visit Medscape’s Overview of Narcissistic Personality Disorder
What is Gaslighting?
Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation where the abuser makes the victim doubt their reality, memory, or perceptions. Over time, this can lead the victim to feel confused and dependent on the abuser’s version of reality. According to the DSM-5, Gaslighting is commonly seen in abusive relationships, particularly those involving narcissistic individuals.
Some signs of Gaslighting include:
- Dismissing your emotions and reality (“You’re too sensitive”)
- Making you doubt your memory or experience (“I never said that”)
- Shifting blame onto you for their abusive behavior (“If you hadn’t done that, I wouldn’t have reacted this way”)
The goal of Gaslighting is control, and it often traps empaths in an endless cycle of self-doubt and guilt.
Why Are Narcissists Attracted to Empaths?
Narcissists are drawn to empaths because of their capacity for deep emotional understanding, compassion, and the tendency to see the good in others. Empaths often strive to help and heal, believing that their kindness can soften the narcissist’s harsh behavior. Unfortunately, this dynamic gives the narcissist an endless supply of validation while leaving the empath emotionally drained.
Empaths can also feel responsible for the narcissist’s behavior. They may think, “If I just love them more, they’ll change.” However, narcissists rarely, if ever, take responsibility for their actions, leading empaths into a pattern of giving without receiving. This pattern is particularly difficult to break if the empath has unresolved trauma from childhood, such as having a narcissistic parent.
To explore more about the toxic attraction between empaths and narcissists, you can read my blog: Relationships Between Empaths and Narcissists: Doomed for Disaster.
Are Empaths Attracted to Narcissists?
While it may seem counterintuitive, empaths can also be unconsciously attracted to narcissists. In a recent conversation with my friend Susan, she shared her perspective that empaths often grow up with trauma related to a narcissistic parent.
As soon as she said that, I remembered many conversations I’ve had with women I mentor, where we realized how the trauma they carried from their childhood—often related to a mother or father who was emotionally absent or neglectful—showed up in their adult lives in various ways. One of these ways was forming relationships with partners who exhibited narcissistic tendencies and frequently gaslit them.
People who grew up in an environment where one or both parents exhibited narcissistic tendencies may be drawn to the familiarity of such relationships in adulthood. These relationships mirror the unresolved dynamics of their childhood, and the empath may feel compelled to “fix” or “heal” the narcissist, believing it will bring them the love and approval they never received growing up.
This unconscious drive keeps empaths locked in unhealthy relationships, despite the emotional toll.
Spiritual Bypassing: When Compassion Becomes a Barrier
Spiritual bypassing refers to the use of spiritual practices or beliefs to avoid confronting painful emotions, setting boundaries, or dealing with unresolved psychological issues. Empaths often fall into this trap, especially those who view themselves as spiritually compassionate individuals. I write more about spiritual bypassing in Chapter 2 on spirituality, page 52 of my book Becoming Soulful: Six Keys for Profound Transformation.
Here’s how spiritual bypassing can manifest in empaths:
- Avoiding confrontation: They may avoid setting boundaries with the narcissist, telling themselves that forgiveness and love will heal the situation.
- Self-blame: Instead of recognizing the abusive behavior of the narcissist, empaths may constantly check to see how they are at fault.
- Over-empathizing: Empaths may see the narcissist’s behavior as a cry for help, rather than recognizing it as manipulative and abusive.
A clear example comes from a woman I mentor. Her husband continues to cheat on her, and she believes that if she remains kind and compassionate, she will somehow heal the marriage. While personal responsibility is important, in situations like these, it’s crucial to recognize that the issue lies with the other person. Empathy doesn’t mean enabling someone to keep hurting you.
Why Do People Stay in Relationships with Narcissists?
One of the most confusing questions is why people, especially empaths, stay in relationships with narcissists despite ongoing emotional manipulation and abuse. There are several psychological, emotional, and societal reasons that contribute to this pattern.
- Manipulation and False Promises
Narcissists are often skilled manipulators, making grand promises to change or improve the relationship. They may engage in love-bombing, showering their partner with attention and affection, only to retract it once the partner is emotionally hooked. These cycles of hope and disappointment keep the partner tethered, believing that the narcissist will eventually follow through on their promises. The intense emotional highs and lows make it hard for the person to step back and recognize the reality of the situation.
- Difficulty Accepting Reality
Admitting that a relationship is toxic or abusive can be incredibly difficult. The dynamic between a narcissist and their partner is often so intense that it feels overwhelming to accept the truth: that the narcissist won’t change, and the relationship is causing harm. Instead of confronting the pain and making the hard decision to leave, it may feel easier to give the narcissist the benefit of the doubt, hoping things will get better.
- Low Self-Worth and Programming
Many people who stay in relationships with narcissists have been unconsciously programmed to feel unworthy of better treatment. Whether through childhood experiences or past relationships, they may have internalized the belief that they don’t deserve a healthier, more loving relationship. In some cases, cultural or familial expectations of loyalty and commitment—such as “staying true to your marriage vows no matter what”—can reinforce the idea that leaving is not an option, even in the face of emotional abuse.
- Spiritual Bypassing and the Hope for Change
Another powerful factor is the belief that the narcissist will eventually change or “come around” to fulfill the promises they’ve made. This hope, while often rooted in compassion and empathy, is also a form of spiritual bypassing. Instead of acknowledging the narcissist’s harmful behavior and setting boundaries, the person may convince themselves that staying kind, forgiving, and spiritually grounded will eventually heal the relationship. This allows them to avoid the uncomfortable truth: that sometimes, the only way forward is to leave.
- Societal and Gender Expectations
Many women, in particular, have been socialized to believe that loyalty and self-sacrifice are virtues to be upheld, even at the cost of their own well-being. These beliefs can lead to a deep sense of obligation to stay in a relationship, no matter how harmful it becomes. The unconscious belief that “a good partner stays no matter what” can make it incredibly difficult to walk away from a narcissist, especially if the person feels responsible for the relationship’s success.
The Importance of Boundaries
Empathy without boundaries is dangerous, especially in relationships with narcissists. Empaths must learn to set and maintain firm boundaries to protect their emotional, mental, and spiritual well-being. Boundaries are not about shutting down compassion; they are about ensuring that your compassion doesn’t become a gateway for abuse.
Here are a few ways to start setting boundaries:
- Say “no” without guilt: Recognize that it’s okay to refuse someone, even if they accuse you of being unkind or selfish.
- Detach with love: You can maintain empathy and compassion, but that doesn’t mean you have to stay entangled in an unhealthy relationship.
- Recognize manipulation: Understand the signs of Gaslighting and narcissistic abuse. The moment you see them, start creating distance.
Boundaries are essential for preserving your energy and protecting yourself from exploitation. Being compassionate doesn’t mean being a doormat. It means being strong enough to care for yourself first so you can offer love and support from a place of empowerment.
How to Break the Cycle of Narcissistic Abuse
Breaking free from a narcissistic relationship is difficult, but not impossible. The first step is recognizing the patterns of abuse—Gaslighting, manipulation, and spiritual bypassing—and understanding your own role in the dynamic.
Here are steps you can take to break the cycle:
- Acknowledge the abuse: Recognize that narcissistic behavior is not your fault. No matter how much you’ve tried to heal or fix the relationship, the problem lies with the narcissist.
- Set boundaries: Firmly and unapologetically. Let the narcissist know what behaviors you will not tolerate, and be prepared to distance yourself if they cross those lines.
- Let go of guilt: It’s natural for empaths to feel guilty when setting boundaries, but remember that protecting yourself is not selfish—it’s necessary.
- Seek support: Talk to a therapist, coach, or trusted friend who can validate your reality and help you navigate your emotions.
Conclusion
Empaths, with their deep capacity for compassion and love, are often vulnerable to narcissistic abuse and Gaslighting. The key to breaking this cycle lies in understanding the dynamics at play, setting firm boundaries, and not falling into the trap of spiritual bypassing. Compassion is a powerful gift, but it should never come at the cost of your emotional well-being.
If you’re caught in a relationship with a narcissist or find yourself being gaslit, remember that it’s not your job to heal everyone. Your first responsibility is to yourself—your health, your boundaries, and your peace.
For more on how to protect yourself from narcissists, you can read my blog: Protect Your Heart from Narcissists. If you are open to receiving professional help, write me a note.
