I remember years ago leaving a meeting with several high-level leaders and saying to one of them privately: You really did a good job getting everyone to understand and buy in to that complex topic.
I was in a technical role at the time, and his response shocked me: The key in these meetings, he told me, isn’t as much the content of your message as it is the way you say it.
That sent me on a yearslong process of testing different ways of saying things to see what increased understanding and buy-in.
From running many tests, studying expert communicators, and coaching others to improve how they gain understanding and buy-in, I’ve concluded that word choice, message construction, message duration and message delivery all have substantial impact — perhaps even more so than the actual content. Research has substantiated this view.
Word Choice
Specifically, I’ve come up with a working list of seven phrases that seem to generate exponentially higher levels of understanding and buy-in. These words and phrases have a way of signaling value and alignment with listeners/readers:
- So that. This phrase, or simply “so,” implies a benefit, consequence or impact of what’s being said. Using “so that” early in a conversation, presentation, meeting or correspondence sends the message that this matters and is worth paying attention to. You might say, “I’d like to have a conversation about some process improvement ideas so that we can improve quality and reduce costs.”
- Could we. This is an invitational phrase that encourages dialogue, collaboration and exploration. Using the inclusive pronoun “we” suggests partnership and shared effort along with some deference to the priorities of others. Saying this early in a meeting can open up communication. For instance, “Could we discuss ideas for using AI to accelerate completion of these tasks?”
- Say more. If dialogue hasn’t opened up, it’s often useful to get others thinking deeper, more broadly and more personally about the topic. While it’s easiest to keep a conversation transactional (discussing the problem/solution, the issue/resolution, the request/fulfillment), asking people to discuss the broader context, the deeper “why behind the what” and the personal motivations for change accelerate their understanding and buy-in. You might generate this level of conversation with something like, “Say more about how that impacts you personally,” or “Say more about the downstream effects of this.”
- You’d mentioned. This is actually my favorite phrase in interpersonal influence (or some version of it). “You’d mentioned” signals a few things. It says: I heard you, I remembered what you said and what I’m explaining is relevant to you. You might say, “You’d mentioned that you’re frustrated with the production delays. What I’m recommending should address that.”
- For example. Evidence makes your explanations, information and perspectives more relatable, understandable, compelling, credible and memorable. Furthermore, diversifying forms of evidence engages others in your message. Tell a story, give an analogy, provide a statistic, say who else says so besides you. The more you say things like, “For example, we’ve seen this process increase productivity in the XYZ facility,” the more you’ll illustrate and substantiate your ideas.
- Let’s. This is another inclusive phrase that implies collaboration and connection. On top of that, it usually suggests forward movement. “Let’s address this in our all-hands meeting as a next step.”
- That’s important. When someone pushes back on your ideas, avoid the temptation to argue or acquiesce too quickly. Productive conflict is an essential part of gaining understanding and buy-in. In fact, skeptics are among those who will be most likely to ultimately champion and mobilize your efforts. When someone offers opposition, say something like, “That’s an important perspective,” or “That’s important to discuss.” Using this phrase sends the message that you’re open to opposition and ready to work through differing perspectives to arrive at the best conclusion.
Each of these phrases can be re-worded so that they fit your personality, culture and circumstances. They can also be modified in order to not sound overly repetitive. Ultimately, though, they each advance understanding and buy-in for greater influence.
Let’s remember the advice from that skilled leader: It isn’t as much the content of your message as it is the way you say it.
How could you use more influence phrases in the weeks ahead?
