Did you know that the word “but” is an acronym for “before the ultimate truth”?
Ok, it’s not really…but that’s what it signals: What’s to follow is truer.
When you use the word “but,” it tends to create unnecessary friction in an exchange.
In my last post, I suggested seven words that lead to greater understanding and buy-in.
In this post, I’ll add words to avoid if you’re seeking understanding and buy-in.
These come from 20+ years of coaching and training on effective communication, influence and conflict resolution.
These are the words to avoid:
1. No. This is the first in the “shut down” category of words. Sometimes a hard no is required to establish a boundary or stop unsafe behavior. And sure, there are times when a “no” means “yes.” For example, when responding to a question like, “Are you mad at me?” Usually, though, “no” terminates the exchange. When it’s in response to a question like, “Can you help me?” it stifles collaboration and creativity. Better than a “no,” try “and,” as in, “I’m not able to help right now, and what I’d recommend is querying Gemini for guidance.”
2. But. As mentioned above, this is also a shut down word. Even when you disagree — especially when you disagree — replace “but” with a pause or an “and.”
3. However. This or its synonyms, such as “yet” and “nevertheless,” are all words related to “but.”
4. Unfortunately. My least favorite word in the English language. It’s a “let down” word, and it almost always signals disappointment. It’s usually used as an attempt at empathy, such as, “Unfortunately, Mr. Norman, we’re unable to accommodate your request.” Better than unfortunately would be to just say, “Mr. Norman, we’re unable…” or “Mr. Norman, I can see why that’s important to you. We’re unable to accommodate your request because…”
And questions that begin with:
5. Have, Is, Are, Does, Do. Questions starting with these words typically generate a limited, binary response. If that’s your goal — “Do you want fries with that burger?” — then it’s fine. If your goal is to generate deeper understanding and buy-in, you’ll want to engage others in thoughtful dialogue. Research shows that asking questions that generate deeper and broader discussion will increase understanding and buy-in by an order of five. So instead of these words, begin questions with “What,” “How” and “Why” to foster more thoughtful collaboration and conversation.
Many of these words to avoid become unconsciously patterned into language without us realizing their detrimental effect.
Are they “bad” words”?
Of course not.
They simply create friction in the pursuit of trust and positive change.
Which of the words would you benefit from avoiding or eliminating?
