I work with a large company that recently decided to stop sending clients the annual survey they had been sending out for years. While the “home office” saw it as a way to reduce administrative effort, the decision caused an uproar among field employees, who generate hundreds of meetings from the survey results each year.
This decision revealed a disconnect and misalignment between the home office and the field. It also created a clear opportunity for greater leadership and influence to address questions like:
- How should feedback be given to the home office team about the impact of their decision?
- How can the company get the home office and field teams to better understand each other’s needs?
- How could communication improve so that these decisions don’t cause an uproar?
This was a challenging situation that could have led to escalating negative consequences. Instead, the executive in charge turned it into a positive, trust-strengthening moment: She smiled, self-regulated her reactivity, and brought the key people together from the home office and the field to have a healthy and open dialogue that left everyone feeling secure, valued, empowered, and accountable.
Consider the difficult decisions, frustrations, and disconnects that you encounter with others.
In the midst of these situations, you have a choice about what message you’ll send to the people around you.
Will you send a message that people are:
- At risk
- Appreciated only when they perform to your expectations
- Incompetent and unreliable
- Unqualified for their responsibilities
“No way I’d do that,” you say!
Yet, these messages are communicated explicitly or implicitly every day across families, communities, and organizations. This invariably leads to fear, insecurity, and mistrust…which leads to breakdowns in collaboration and engagement.
Assuming you want to have the opposite effect, make sure you’re consistently sending these four messages, typically in this order, inspired by Jim Jackson, who founded an organization to help parents build healthy, trusting relationships with their children:
- You are safe. The foundational message to consistently send to colleagues, stakeholders, your family, and others is: I will not reject or harm you. It speaks to the primitive need that we all have to survive and be accepted by others. You could say something like, “I don’t blame you for what happened,” or “I’m with you.”
- You are loved. Stick with me. This isn’t woo-woo, touchy-feely psychology. The message here is: I am for you. You don’t have to be best friends or lovers to support, advocate, and will the good of another. That’s the type of love I’m talking about. You could say something like, “Let’s figure out how to make this work for you,” or “I know that [this] and [this] are important to you, which are important factors.”
- You are capable. You might think of this as asset-based thinking or strengths-centered leadership. Rather than looking at what’s wrong, focus on what’s right and good. What does someone bring to the table? What can be affirmed? This message says: Your contributions, opinions, and preferences matter. You might say or ask, “What thoughts do you have about how to do this?” or “You’re really good at [this] and [this], which will help us moving forward.”
- You are responsible. The ultimate message that should be consistently communicated to others is: I respect and affirm your agency and accountability. In other words, remind the person that they have an important role that they are being asked to fill to the best of their abilities. You won’t try to rescue them or do things for them that they can or should do for themselves. It could be as simple as, “I trust you’re the one to get this done,” or “What commitment would you be willing to make to this?”
What messages are you sending to people that you lead and influence?
