When I went through marriage counseling, one of the biggest realizations I had was this:
Criticism that contradicts my idealized self-image makes me very defensive.
It’s sometimes referred to as an identity quake: a rocked self-image that can be disorienting and triggering.
For example, part of my self-image is that I’m highly focused on others. If someone says, “I feel like you’re not listening to me,” I become very agitated because I can’t believe it might be true…which leads to defensiveness.
Being defensive is not a good look, and it usually prevents meaningful growth and connection with others.
I’m guessing, to some degree, you struggle with the same thing at times and so do the people you live and work with. Being defensive is part of being human.
So, what can we humans do to mitigate the quake?
To help minimize a defensive reaction, I’m working on paying attention to the three common ways it presents itself through communication:
1. Counter-accusing/deflecting. This sounds something like “I only said that because you said this,” or “I wouldn’t have done this had you not done that.” The other form it can take is “Others did it too!” Or even a flat-out denial such as “You’re wrong! I never said that!”
These sentiments redirect the assault on self-image. They appeal to the group standards and protect against the risk of attack. They secure the intense ego desire to not be at fault or have to grow.
2. Rationalizing/minimizing. This goes something like “Look at all of the good things I did do!” “I’m doing my best!” or a patronizing “Fine, I’ll try harder.”
These kinds of statements attempt to dilute the affront. They try to relativize the problem. They send the message that the criticizer is being unreasonable, myopic, or lacks perspective.
3. Manipulating sympathy. This might be communicated in one of these ways: “I guess I’m not good enough,” “I can’t do anything right,” or “I suppose I’m the problem.”
These messages tend to manipulate others into reassuring and overcompensating with praise. People might respond, “Oh no, you’re a great teammate! You do so many things well!” Or they may even go so far as to back off their criticism completely to rescue others from their discomfort.
Sometimes I notice that I’m defending myself with these three forms of communication. Other times I see them in others.
Noticing them makes it easier to step out of the criticism-blame-defensiveness-shame cycle that quickly turns avoidant or aggressive.
In any healthy marriage, work team, or managerial relationship, two elements are essential:
- Psychological safety: the ability to be open, transparent and unguarded, even about difficult topics like failures and hard feelings.
- Self-confrontation: the ability to look at your own mistakes and inadequacies and grow beyond them.
To ensure those two elements are in place, you’ve got to notice and step out of the criticism-blame-defensiveness-shame cycle.
Ask yourself, am I or are they deflecting, rationalizing, or manipulating?
If so, regulate your anxiety and avoid perpetuating the cycle. Stay focused on objective facts. Find common ground.
When do you encounter identity quakes, and how might you respond more effectively?
