Have you ever had this thought?
“I’m such a bad parent sometimes.”
“I’m the problem.”
“I should know better. I do know better.”
If you’re like most parents I’ve worked with, these thoughts don’t come during the calm, connected moments.
They come after the storm.
After the yelling.
After the slammed door.
After the comment you didn’t mean to say, but said anyway.
And in that raw space, the mind can get harsh.
You don’t just feel bad about what happened—you start to believe there’s something wrong with you.
But what if that’s not true?
What if those painful moments don’t mean you’re a bad parent—they just mean you were in a bad state of mind?
Low state = low quality reactions
Every parent has what I call “fog moments.”
Moments where your clarity disappears, your patience vanishes and your wisdom goes quiet.
You know you shouldn’t yell.
You know the punishment doesn’t make sense.
You know you’ll regret it—but you say it anyway.
Why?
Because in that moment, you’re not yourself.
Or more accurately—you’re not the version of yourself that sees clearly.
You’re in a state of mental tension.
A state where everything looks urgent, offensive or hopeless.
A state where the emotional brain is running the show, and your deeper wisdom is nowhere to be found.
That’s not bad parenting.
That’s a normal human in a temporary low state.
Your mind is like the weather
Some days, the sky is clear. You feel light. Patient. Present.
Other days, it’s stormy. Everything irritates you. Every request feels like a demand.
Every noise feels louder than it is.
But here’s what most people don’t realize:
The weather isn’t the problem—it’s how seriously we take the thoughts and feelings that show up during the storm.
The more we believe those stormy thoughts—the ones that say, “You’re failing,” “They never listen,” “This will never get better”—the more likely we are to act in ways we regret.
But when we know it’s just weather?
We don’t get so caught in the story.
What happens in a low state of mind?
(A quick summary to pause and reflect).
- Your emotional brain takes over—logic and compassion go offline.
- You act from frustration or fear, not from clarity.
- You say things you don’t really mean.
- Everything feels urgent, personal or overwhelming.
- You start believing thoughts like “I’m ruining them” or “I can’t handle this.”
The key? These states are temporary.
You’re not failing—your thinking is just foggy.
Guilt is a sign that you care
Most parents I meet feel guilty more often than they admit.
But here’s something I always remind them:
You wouldn’t feel guilty if you didn’t deeply care. Guilt is a sign of love—just filtered through misunderstanding.
The pain isn’t proof you’re failing. It’s just a signal that you weren’t acting from your clearest mind.
That’s all.
Once you understand this, you stop beating yourself up—and start bouncing back faster.
You apologize when needed.
You reconnect more easily.
And you’re less likely to repeat the same patterns.
Not because you’ve perfected yourself. But because you’re not taking your low moods so seriously.
You’re always in there
Even in your worst parenting moment, the real you didn’t disappear.
Your love didn’t vanish. Your wisdom didn’t die.
It just got buried under a pile of busy thinking. And when that thinking settles, guess what rises?
Compassion.
Clarity.
And a version of you that already knows how to parent with heart.
3 questions to reflect on
- What kinds of thoughts show up for you after a tough parenting moment?
- Can you remember a time you felt like a “bad parent,” but now realize you were just overwhelmed?
- How would it feel to stop taking your low moods as evidence that you’re failing?
5 key takeaways to remember
- All parents lose their cool sometimes—it doesn’t make you bad, it makes you human.
- Your reactions don’t define you—your state of mind does.
- Low moods produce low-quality thoughts. That’s normal. But those thoughts aren’t truth—they’re weather.
- Guilt after a blow-up isn’t a sign of failure—it’s a sign that you care.
- The “real you”—the loving, wise, connected parent—is always there, even when you can’t feel it.
Tomas Lydahl is an author, speaker and coach who helps people rediscover peace and joy in everyday life. With humour and heart, he shares a fresh perspective on parenting, showing how clarity, presence and inner stillness can lead to happiness—even in the beautiful chaos of family life.
Excerpted from How to Be Happy Even Though You’re a Parent with permission by Tomas Lydahl.
image: Endho
